Tuesday, June 13, 2023

Crystals of Chaos [session report #11]


I'm going to make this short and sweet because time is running out.

3 players because of summer absences.  It happens.  Still a great game, and 3 players was enough to get by.  Crandol, Jackal, and Heighten Chancery Philthrop III.  Let's do this...

More than 2 weeks elapsed since our last session, so there was some recapping and deciding what happened to the PCs who weren't there.  Robard and Zagreus were back on the ship.  The camera crew, Vanessa, and Ka'arl were with the adventurers exploring the magenta saturated caves and tunnels of Cremza'amirikza'am.

They found the source of the magenta illumination, felt the good vibrations, and a whole bunch of hanky-panky happening in this cave.  I thought they already explored this area, so reminded them that this machine is why levels 1 and 2 look this way and why everyone's so horny all the time.  But I might have been thinking of another group.  At worst, I ruined the surprise.  But at least now it makes sense to them.  Well, more sense than it did prior to this point.

I believe a tentacled, three-breasted woman caressed the halfling's neck suggestively and they hooked up against a nearby cave wall.  The half-orc also took his pleasure where he could find it.  There are in-game bonuses, after all.  

Meanwhile, a dark elf filmed much of what was going on for an OnlyFans account, and then began filming the camera crew as they were filming him.  Inception!

I decided to roll on a few random tables available for Cremza'amirikza'am.  There was a Cha'altquake, some rocks fell, and a demon girl flirted with them in a tunnel... plus, the exotic fragrances of this megadungeon.

Wasn't long before the PCs finally ran into the fried chicken shack and whorehouse they'd been looking for.  The one Vanessa, their traveling companion, had the legal right to, bequeathed by her uncle.  The PCs found the current proprietor and made him an offer he couldn't refuse.  So, he left with this life and a bucket of greasy chicken.

With Vanessa newly installed as the boss of Breasts, Legs, and Thighs, the adventurers kept exploring (after having their fill of fried chicken and prostitutes, of course).

They rescued a young man who goes by the name Teddy Westside.  Several humanoids dressed in "skeleton spandex" outfits were throwing daggers against the wall, with him already shackled to it.  Once freed, he decided to join the party.  Especially, since he knew his way around.  Ted could act as a guide.  What could go wrong?

The party snuck up to a cave where Teddy Westside's former master, the warlord K'chava was having a celebration.  While hatching the perfect plan, Ted decides to implement what he's overheard so far straight away.  So, he runs in, says something insulting to K'chava, and runs out for the PCs to thwack him.

K'chava was a match for them, but his lieutenants were bush league. The PCs had them all down within 3 or 4 rounds.  The warlord has a massive amount of crystals, which the PCs took with them.  Crystals, along with finding Commander Andrak, was their prime reason for entering Cremza'amirikza'am.

Then, they found a zipper running along a tunnel wall and found an opening to hyperspace.  Weird!

Not long after, the halfling wanted to check out this dark cave with soft moaning issuing from it.  "There might be jewels in there," he said.  Just at that moment, a brilliant plan entered into my head.  As Heighten Chancery Philthrop III crept inside, I told him that he saw a good sized ruby glittering in the darkness.  "Oh yeah, that's more like it," he said, half-expecting to simply find more lovemaking.  "See, I told you there might be gems in here."

At that point, I described his realization that the ruby was the jeweled backside of a butt-plug already inside a woman's posterior as she had her front half busy with the humanoid in front of her.  Disappointed, the halfling left the cave, rejoining the rest of the party.

The PCs fought a half-dozen dark elf slavers who were being forced to mine crystals.  It was a touch battle and unfortunately Ka'arl got shot with a laser blast right through his eye.  His was the only party death this session.  They just barely conquered the slavers (the leader called a giant worm with a conch shell that helped the drow in battle), and were hatching a plan to keep the slaves for themselves.

Unfortunately, Teddy Westside, who was elsewhere when the PCs were scheming, started yelling out that the slaves were free and told them to enjoy their freedom as he high-fived them all on their way out of the crystal cave.  The adventurers were a little upset, but couldn't stay mad at Ted.

There was a secondary fried bat (chicken of the cave) and bordello at this end of level 2.  So, they told everyone there that they were now working for Vanessa, or they could die.  

Finally, the PCs came across a few scientists and technicians who were trying to impregnate some humanoids with a xenomorph in a nearby cave.  That ended terribly for them because if the Crimson Bastards like to do anything, it's to fuck shit up.  And fuck shit up they did!

After everyone was dead, we wrapped the session up there for next time.  I hope that in two weeks, we'll have a party of 5 again.  Until then, thanks for reading, hoss!  Our condolences go out to Ka'arl.  I'm sure there'll be a memorial back on Jefferson.  


Game with us at VENGER CON II: Electric Boogaloo this July 21st - 23rd in Madison, WI.  Weekend badges still available!  And if you want to get your slimy tentacles on my signed and numbered, hardcover Cha'alt books, ordering details are right over here.


  1. This is the second day in a row I've seen a gaming-related post that showed an image of a butt plug. Yesterday it was a Pop-o-Matic Bubble looking thing with dice inside.😱🙈
    That lead to all sorts of puns like me saying, "Roll for anal-tiative!"🤣
    I'm a bit scared to see if I'm on a three day streak.