It's not uncommon for me to claim a session of Cha'alt was particularly wild, unhinged, after dark, or surreal. But this one was definitely batshit crazy. Strap in, hoss!
If I was to title the session, I'd go with "Side Quest to Save the Universe," "The Day Steve Rolled Five 20s in a Single Session," or "Cha'alt Book Saturation!"
Let me explain about that last one. Lately, we've been having some bad luck with our septic system. Thankfully, no Cha'alt books were destroyed, but all of them had to be moved out of the unfinished area of our basement. The only logical place to put them was in my game room, which I did. So many books, both in boxes and loose, stacked on top of each other, Cha'alt, Cha'alt: Fuchsia Malaise, and Cha'alt: Chartreuse Shadows. All those exposed books must give off some kind of gonzo radiation because our session was definitely... influenced by something... unnatural.
Ok, let's get started. Only 3 out of the 4 core players, Bishop Crane was absent. That means Strum the human sorcerer, Ug the lizardtaur warrior, and Mista Firestorm a teenage human thief stowing away in the frame of an assassin droid.
Before the recap, I had everyone come up with a celebrity cameo rather than gameable suggestion for the Black Skull of Secrets. Since there was only 3 PCs, I planned on introducing all 3 celebrity cameos that session. This is an idea I came up with for Primordial Chaos, which I was flipping through while prepping this session.
Picking up where we left off, a door appeared in space - the door was outlined with a glowing purple effulgence, lighting the adornment of spidery bas-relief, creating deep shadows where the viewer got the sense of something inside, watching those standing before the door. The center of the purple door showed an arachnid-glyph that also glowed purple.
Inside was a partial purple labyrinth, the missing sections of floor, hallway sides, and ceiling were a black void of nothingness, save for a dimly lit purple area in the far-off distance. After that, the PCs dealt with a succession of hallways and doors which led to either a ton of purple spiders pouring out, a giant spider-claw trying to kill them, a "room" filled with purple webbing that in the distance contained a gleaming purple jewel. Ug unsheathed Orin and began cutting a swath until he reached a gem on the end of a butt-plug. Trying to sever the jewel from the plug, Orin informed his master that the butt-plug was magic, and he could not cut through it.
Taking it for the sorcerer to properly identify (whoever has attuned the magic item, a woman "wearing" the butt-plug falls madly in love with him), they went through the last door which opened into a massive purple chamber containing a furry spider arm the size of a semi-truck. Shortly thereafter, a clockwork gnome wearing purple robes shushed them, saying "Do not raise your voice, lest you arouse A'araknar-Thule," while pointing to the massive spider-member. "That's no arm." The clockwork gnome led the adventurers to a pit full of milky eyes - white orbs gazing blindly at anything coming close to the edge. "The way out is through there."
Ug kicked the gnome into the eyes, saw him sink and vanish, then jumped in himself. Mista Firestorm went next. Strum looked for an alternative, but realized the original door was locked, and decided to jump down into the eyes, as well.
Soon enough, they were all reunited in a burgundy-mauve system of tunnels and caves where the purple secret of A'araknar-Thule resides. As the clockwork gnome explained, this is N'yoto, the place where His priests contemplate realities devoured. The priests themselves act as an energy source for the cosmic spider. If all are killed, A'araknar-Thule becomes insubstantial, like a shadow.
Before encountering the first group of priests, the PCs came across Chevy Chase hovering on a silver saucer, wide-eyed and sleep deprived from hanging 1,000 Christmas lights in the huge cavern just down the way. It was a hybrid of Christmas Vacation and Pierce Hawthorn from Community who would routinely follow them around, unseen, shouting "Gay!" every time there was an occurrence like shoving the butt-plug up a monster or priest's bottom.
The priests in this huge cave were watching interdimensional cable shows from worlds the cosmic spider had already devoured. Before long, a sea-glass-hued monstrosity with gelatinous flesh and tentacles hovered nearby. The PCs made room for the creature to eat the spider-priests first, and so it did. But then there was another lavender horror, and they both were attacking - until Strum dominated one of them, telling it to fight the other.
Eventually, both were subdued, but Mista Firestorm wanted to try some stuff out on the dominated monstrosity before the spell wore off. Any surviving priests were dispatched. The PCs did save one just in case they needed a survivor.
At one point, Ug's player rolled three 1s in a row, and the hand holding a fish appeared from out of nowhere, slapping him across the face. Ug also had a little talk with Orin, or rather, Orin had a little talk with Ug. "The only time you bring me out is to hack shit, we never just talk or hang-out, anymore." To smooth thing over, Ug laid some of the porn magazines on the flat of Orin's blade and were immediately absorbed into the sword's own pocket dimension, which I'm calling blade-space because it sounds fucking cool.
There were priests who tried to use math to figure out if A'araknar-Thule could eat an infinite amount of dimensions if he continued on forever. Other priests were licking purple tentacles coming down from the ceiling, as the slime was hallucinogenic. One of the final groups were writing poetry commemorating reality lost... "Reality lost, flippity frost, the spider's run down the chair leg. Mingling ma'ast, reality lost; watching the spider-jack isn't gay." To which, Pierce shouted "Gay!" from a safe distance. If you can't imagine what I'm talking about, here you go.
Not too long into their N'yoto foray, a couple of drug dealers named Walter White and Jesse appeared, trading the fart-squid jetpack for an entire pound of blue persuasion crystal-meth.
Realizing the sorcerer had to use blood or zoth (zero) to fuel his spells, the mass casualties of the cosmic spider priests allowed him to wish for advanced healing, a charged-up golf cart with monster truck wheels, and a barrage of fireballs that immolated stragglers as the PCs drove by the various caves.
Before getting to the end-boss of N'yoto, the PCs decided to go through the few caves that got passed-over in the beginning, as the adventurers were worried about surviving priests keeping A'araknar-Thule alive and kicking. It was the perfect time to use my Ya'ada Ya'ada Ya'ada game mechanic, as we didn't want to take time out to go over backtracking and blasting fools with ranged weapons they couldn't hope to evade.
As per the rule, each player came up with a detail (we forgot about the slap-bass, FYI)... Ug had a pile of heads stacked up on Orin as the lizardtaur played hide and seek and slaughter. Strum used the dead priests to continue fueling spells. Mista Firestorm had previously used juice boxes up enemy wa'azoos, but now that he had the magic butt-plug, he pursued that... liberally.
One of the priests, probably the lone survivor the PCs fed crystal-meth to, told the adventurers about a fracture or fragmentation in time and space, a purple crack in reality. If they jump into it with a specific place and time in mind, that's where they will appear.
But first, they had to destroy the pond of gross goo where elongated spider parts grew out, acting like a barrier. This is where Ug's player rolled his 5th and final natural-20 of the day (he normally rolls 1s, 3s, 4s, etc.). Mista Firestorm using his newly acquired feat to give the enemy Disadvantage when attacking Strum. Since I first rolled a crit, having to roll again saved him a potentially life-threatening amount of damage. A ton of firepower dealt to the spider sludge eventually killed it.
Before they could jump back to where they were supposed to be, the tiny insect Strum had swallowed all the way back at sorcerer-king Jethryk's palace gave him indigestion. The stomach cramps soon turned into a little critter ripping out of the sorcerer's abdomen, causing a fair bit of damage as he fainted. Luckily, Strum was dreaming about the caves beneath that temple of absent divinity, overriding Ug's contemplation of Cha'alt, sweet Cha'alt.
Mista Firestorm had other plans, allowing Beigeizona to reappear next session. The PCs jumped into the purple crack, arriving back in the Moshtobah caves as if they'd never left.
I got to try out my recently created dice-tray, and thought it would be amusing to use dice that looked EXACTLY like the tray's flooring. It was as if the dice seeped into the gonzo-jam color and were absorbed.
Next game won't be until Saturday, October 3rd as I'll be on vacation in-between. While there weren't many big events happening, a lot of social interaction type roleplaying transpired. I hadn't expected to make this a bottle episode where the PCs save the universe from A'araknar-Thule, but didn't want to end our Dark Sun stint without Bishop Crane. As the party's sole priest, potentially resurrecting a Great Old One wouldn't be the same without him.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing, hoss!
VS
p.s. Want some hardcover Cha'alt? Here's how (and they're currently on sale!)!! And in even BIGGER news, you can now buy an all-access weekend badge for next June's VENGER CON VI: Belief is Reality convention in Madison, WI right over here.






























