This session concludes the Crystals of Chaos 9-month Cha'alt campaign on 2023.
That scene from Kill Bill (volume 2, I think) where Bill's brother asks Daryl Hannah's character which she's filled most with, after it's all said and done... relief or regret. Like her, I'm sure every GM feels a bit of both. And like him, if pressed, we'll usually feel more of one than the other. So, which is it?
It's sad when things end, but if nothing ended, there also wouldn't be new beginnings. Put me in the relief column. So many things transpired, in and out of the game, since January. Also, it does suck that not everyone could be at the last session. But we have to take a 3-week break after yesterday's game and I'd been meaning to reach a conclusion for a little while. Plus, I want to experience new RPG awesomeness.
So, while the RPG Pundit is already chiding me for concluding my 9-month campaign when his World of the Last Sun has lasted 10 years, all I can do is nod and laugh and be grateful for everything that led up to this point. What we accomplished is quite remarkable, as you can see by reading my Crystals of Chaos session reports. Thanks this Crystals of Chaos, we have the lavender moons, Cha'alt X-Cards, fuchsia burn, and so many things!
Who was on the roster? Robard the Red, Jackal, and Heighten Chancery Philthrop III.
Last session, the PCs had taken the hellevator down to the bowels of Cha'alt where the Hell Worm dwelt. They were chasing a Federation officer named Commander Andrak who got hold of a device that, if opened, would annihilate the universe.
Before breaking camp and heading off in search of Andrak, the party got a visual communication from Starship Jefferson (their transport presumably still parked above Cremza'amirikza'am). It was Teddy Westside wearing a banana-furry costume. After the initial shudder, the PCs asked what was up.
"I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
The bad news, Robard said. "The bad news is 19, aka centaur hottie." Then what's the good news, the sorcerer followed-up? "I'm getting married," Ted replied.
Yep, Teddy Westside and centaur hottie were eloping to Alpha Blue... and taking the Starship Jefferson with them. They assured the party that they'd be back eventually to pick them up after their honeymoon.
Robard fell into a deep, dark depression... and we all watched him go down the emotional well. It humanized Robard, made him more relatable, watchable (from an audience's perspective), and provided extra fodder for roleplaying. Throughout his breakup ordeal, he was awarded a couple Divine Favor fuchsia stones for character embodiment.
The PCs saw another brown pool of sweet smelling candy water, and a white unicorn trotted up to it, turned around, backed up a couple paces, and pooped into it. After the unicorn finished her business, a couple demons came along.
Robard wanted a unicorn horn as a spell component and the halfling tried to help by remotely shoving his hand/tentacle through a portal to hold onto it. Heighten critically failed and the unicorn stabbed his hand, instead. Robard used one of his infernal lavender moons of destiny dice to make this a defining moment for his character. Unfortunately, he, too, rolled a 1 on the d6. Even though he had that Divine Favor. Robard refused to spend it, only accentuating his emotional depths. Robard missed and broke down crying.
After the demons led the unicorn away, the PCs examined the brown liquid pool that smelled like blueberry waffle cone graham cracker cheesecake, knowing what it was from before and just now, Jackal turned the pool into zoth with the tip of his trident. Heighten dipped his hand tentacles into the zoth and healed himself.
Meanwhile, the demons took the unicorn to a nearby cave where a demon Willy Wonka waited upon a candy-studded chocolate tentacle thrown. Further back in the cave, a film crew was getting shots of THOTs wrestling in candy slime. Where did these women come from? demon Willy Wonka touched the unicorn with his wand and she turned into a hot chick, which the candy man sent to his film crew to create even more content for his OnlyFans account.
Seeing demon Willy Wonka as a threat and wanting the unicorns / hotties for themselves, the PCs attacked without warning. The battle was quickly over, ending in a fiery crescendo as Robard fireballed all three. The demons were dead, and Willy Wonka with devil horns and a tail was mostly burned to a crisp. The PCs took his wand and broke it, but instead of turning the girls back into unicorns, it permanently kept them humanoid females.
And there was another spell cast (or maybe this was still due to the fireball), but I rolled on the d100 weird spell aftereffect table and fruities came out of a portal to challenge the adventurers for supremacy of this domain. Robard's character grabbed the Cha'alt X-Card for "sleaze." So, I told them the fruities wanted to decide things with a fuck-off. Whoever can bang these sluts the hardest and best would rule this candy cave and all the unicorn girls it contained.
I had everyone pick a woman, sexual position, and bedroom maneuver, then asked for a d20 roll. Real quick, all the players were rolling like crap most of the game. The strawberry, who revealed his strawberry dick upon opening his trench-coat, won the fuck-off when I rolled an 18. The PCs hung their heads in shame as the fruities victoriously danced and gyrated their junk to the crippling defeat of the Crimson Bastards!
At some point in there, the film crew recording the slime candy wrestling girls (who used to be unicorns) and the documentary film crew capturing the adventurers' exploits needed some legal guidance so one group couldn't sue the other... and a demon lawyer was summoned. The halfling murdered the lawyer because of course he did.
The OnlyFans film crew either joined the PCs' documentary film crew or died horribly.
Knowing the PCs as I do, it wasn't at all surprising when the PCs decided to crush the fruities... and crush them they did. Jackal's player held up the "exploitation & grindhouse" card - I leaned into such cannibal holocaust fare as primitive humanoid tribesmen came out of the shadows to light a bonfire and prepare a fruity feast. Everyone had plenty to eat as the screams of chopped up and burning anthropomorphic fruit filled the cave.
I believe it was at this point that Colin, Robard's player, said something that was so glaringly obvious that I scarcely know how it wasn't part of the Cha'alt X-Card guidelines this while time. Of course, a PC should be incentivized with Divine Favor after he taps a card. So, yeah, I started giving that out.
After the cannibal carnage, the PCs decided to take it easy for the rest of the day, sleep in the cave, and wake up the next morning to continue their journey.
The PCs kept going, walking down the main tunnel which eventually led to a deposit of massive crystals showing different scenes in space, time, and dimension. Specifically, these four... Commander Andrak opening a red box and Cha'alt exploding; demons launching a brutal attack on the surface, specifically, A'agrybah, killing the banana-men defensive guard; an alien temple containing humanoids all wearing lavender robes - at the center of the temple is a weird device; and a world similar to Cha'alt but everyone and everything had dicks covering it.
The halfling wanted to use his dimensionally remote tentacle hand to grab Andrak and pull him through, which he did... as they found out that Andrak was just a humanoid shell or puppet for Ubbo-Sa'athla who wanted to destroy the whole universe and remake everything with dicks all over stuff.
Jackal hacked into Andrak who just crumbled and melted away. Heighten used his hand again to knock the red box away. Robard cast a spell using the party's unicorn girl entourage menstrual blood to fuel his sorcery (it was just lucky that the girls got their periods that morning).
I rolled on that d100 wild magic table again and Robard was out of phase with everything on this plane. But he saw a portal to the purple labyrinth, and went in with the box, trying to lure Ubbo-Sa'athla into it. His plan worked, but then Ubbo-Sa'athla was trapped in the purple labyrinth with Robard - even if the sorcerer escaped, the Great Old One would have a chance to either leave or destroy that extra-dimensional wizard plane - which would be a shame since sorcerers of Cha'alt (and other realms) rely on the purple labyrinth for all kinds of strange mystical stuff.
The labyrinth itself was trying to communicate with Robard. Robard wanted to use another soul-shard corresponding to the infernal lavender moons of Cha'alt to trap the Great Old One and explode the red box without harming the PCs, Cha'alt, or even the purple labyrinth. He rolled a 3, which is the lowest roll possible while still succeeding. Creating a much smaller and even more purple universe behind yet another portal, Robard went in... and so did Ubbo-Sa'athla, then Robard escaped just as the instability of that device inside the red box was triggered by so many dimensional doorways.
It exploded, ending that universe within a universe within a universe... possibly even now being remade in the Old One's image... as everything and everyone are covered with dicks.
Upon walking out of that cavernous crystal area, the PCs saw graffiti on the rock that read, "Go immediately to the Chartreuse Dragon Cantina ~ Crimson Bastards."
They teleported there, at which point the PCs were met with a surprise party. Even though Teddy Westside and centaur hottie weren't there, all the adventurers... Krandol, Zagreus, and even Gath were there. And a bunch of NPCs lost to the mists of memory.
They all drank and ate and laughed at stories of their adventures.
That was it. I closed the campaign with one last gong, and the players and I talked about how much we enjoyed the adventure and the whole damn thing.
Receiving a point of Divine Favor was really both a no-brainer and master stroke that I still can't believe I didn't think of. I'll have to read through my posts, but I'm pretty sure that notion never actually came to me.
Oh yeah, this session's audio was also recorded on a tiny device. So, once the audio is cleaned up, we might have something neat to share with folks.
The following are hilarious and/or cool things that were said this session...
- The unicorn/centaur sexcapades reminded someone of this SNL sketch with Christopher Walken. Here it is, if you're curious.
- "He flew too close to the lavender moons."
- "Unicorns have IBS, but zoth makes them regular... but too much gives them constipation."
- "The only economy that's still viable on Cha'alt is OnlyFans."
- When you can legitimately say, 'Surprise, motherfucker!' you get to roll your attack with Advantage."
- "I should have listened to my Mother and gone into bird law."
- "I was touched by the greater magics of this place."
- "Would that be a dickopalypse or dickaggedon?"
- "Maniacal laughter is the last phase of grieving."
- "Objection, your honor, he's leading the GM."
- "Failing foreskin... instead of failing forward, but also a dick joke."
- "I don't think there was ever a 'normal' Robard."
p.s. Get your Cha'alt hardcover trilogy and a custom made set of Cha'alt X-Cards with this here special deal. And don't forget all the fun you'll miss if you don't attend VENGER CON III: Revenge of the OSR... next July in Madison, WI.