"Worm Wine Should Always Be Served At Room Temperature" - CHA'ALT Session Report 3.16

 

This session didn't start out right away because it almost never does.  Having not seen each other for a couple weeks, we like to chat about what's going on... in our personal lives and/or the world.

I told the guys about my getting scammed and how several really dumb and/or ignorant decisions on my part resulted in making an unfortunate situation worse.  In future: call a legitimate professional company rather than some guy on the internet, ask what the costs are up-front, always check with your wife, don't pay with a check.

But then we pivoted to Charlie Kirk's assassination.  Such a tragic event that's shocked our nation and will reverberate through America's political climate for years to come.  RIP, hoss.

Even though I've been beating myself up for being the victim of scammers all week, I was determined to run the best game I could, and didn't disappoint by all accounts, crossing Yog-Soggoth's tentacles.  With three players, Bandersnatch, Thurberus, and Tinker, we carried on...

Looking back at the rubble, dust, and devastation from that photon torpedo set off at the end of last session to destroy their other-colored selves who wanted them dead, the PCs checked to see how many passages out of that massive cavern were still viable post-cave-in.  Only two.

As they headed north to an unobstructed tunnel, they smelled something bad.  Bandersnatch turned Tinker invisible so he could look up ahead and see what was going on.  A couple of black robed humanoids were in a stand-off with a vengeful skunk ghost (promises made, promises kept).  The men were trying to coax the stinky apparition into a magic bottle.

In exchange for the black robes (apparently, robes are valuable on Cha'alt?), Tinker said he'd help them, which the men gladly accepted.  The party's sorcerer was nearly sprayed while trying to dominate the skunk ghost - thankfully, he used the old "By His loathsome tentacles" because he missed his saving throw by one.  Bander's spell went off and the skunk when in the bottle.

The NPCs parted ways when Thurberus attempted to gather them into the cult like folds of spotted-cow velvet.  But I rolled a natural 20 for the NPCs' internal bullshit detector, and they splashed the v'symm priest with ectoplasmic stink before running away.  

Thurberus hung back about 50' so he didn't offend his two companions as Bandersnatch and Tinker explored further north.  To the east was the sound of a bass-zita'ar, and they followed.  "Bass-zita'ar solo, take one."  Garblegax was jamming on his instrument as the PCs approached.  They talked about the Temple of Unimagined Horrors, the demon-imp mentioned Kaltha'alax, though the PCs didn't know who or what that was, they talked about the demons Garblegax wanted revenge upon, but mostly they discussed the ideal serving temperature of worm wine - room temperature.

Oh, and Garblegax magically provided a bathtub full of zama'ato juice that would clean him; Garblegax also sent his Gallifrey cardinal violet robes to be dry-cleaned.  

Heading over to the western cave, they came upon "leech-men" that sloshed around a cave full of gross, dark-purple muck (shout-out to that DCC monster book I picked-up at the last GaryCon).  After a combat where most of them were killed and the remainder ran off, Thurberus entered a strange booth that appeared when Bandersnatch had cast his missile command spell.  He's been using those energy crystals to power his spells, and I've been asking for d100 rolls on the spell side-effect table in Cha'alt: Fuchsia Malaise.

Sure enough, it was a nudie booth.  Thurberus didn't bother to try his Federation credits, but instead smashed the currency exchange device found next to the coin slot. 74 coins spilled out- groovy!  Inserting a couple, the curtain on the other side of the glass panel opened to reveal two beautiful women who did whatever the watcher wanted.  Upon rolling a d12, it was determined that Thurberus finished by the 10th coin.  Exiting the booth, he passed a janitor named Darrel who was the assigned jiz-mopper for that day.  But Thurberus now had his sleaze factor-five bonus and that's a good thing.

Heading south, the PCs discovered a cave where nothing was going on.  Hilariously, this, they thought, was one of the strangest experiences they've ever encountered on Cha'alt.  A cave with absolutely nothing happening?  Where were the demons, humanoids, bizarre creatures, weird colors, artifacts, crystals, tentacles, etc.?  Are there imaginary monsters?  Is this part of the Truman Show?  What is the mystery behind this empty cave?  Yeah, it really freaked them out.

Moving on, they soon came to a swirling red portal.  Thurberus stuck his sword in the portal before entering.  He heard an ouch, and found a demon tour guide ready to show them around the zig-zaggy Devil's Corridor, a who's who of Hell where nigrescent busts of important demons through history lined the lightning-bolt configured walls.  Luckily the tour guide, Zarjeet (who slapped Thurberus in the face with a fish for almost murdering him - still had my plush fish stuffy on hand from VENGER CON), had a golfcart and microphone so he could give the PCs a proper tour before taking them to a blood-red door leading to the Temple of Unimagined Horrors.

One such story went like this...

"Salzavesa was a particularly intolerant devil who impaled over a thousand lesser infernals while leading his army through Hell.  Salzavesa was eventually met by several opposing factions, but defeated them by retreating into the den of a gigantic bearded fire-lizard who he appeased with a gift of sulfuric myrrh and became his loyal pet... until Salzavesa was forced to eat the bearded fire-lizard to stay alive when Hell froze-over many years later."

Believing this was a sign that meant they shouldn't arrive at the temple without sulfuric myrrh, they asked Zarjeet where they could find such things?  Across from the red door was a black door where sulfuric myrrh could be found.  Before leaving their tour guide, they talked about worm wine and how it should always be served at room temperature - this was now becoming the running gag for the session.

Soon after entering, the PCs realized they were inside The Black Pyramid of Cha'alt.  

The first room was a matrix-like immersive video game called Cha'alt, where 5 humanoids played while hooked up to a machine.  Stealing some stuff (but leaving behind a detachable penis they found) and spilling Purple Prizm on white socks, the PCs moved on to a room containing nearly 50 mannequins who could talk via telepathy.  Discussion of insane wizard spells, purple corduroy pants, and next door alchemist labs led to retrieving the detachable penis and fitting it onto one of the mannequins.  Then, Bandersnatch used two crystals to super-size his dispel magic spell, restoring 29 out of the 50.

"How long have you been mannequins?"

"Let me ask you this... do people still drink their room-temperature worm wine laced with raspberry flavored sausages?"

"Wow, that's a long time..."

Rummaging around the alchemist lab in the adjacent room, they found a number of odd items - including beakers of various colored liquids that Tinker combined to make his own concoction (per Zeeku, he rolled a 1 on the d6 and I decided that whoever was splashed with its contents would turn into a giant scorpion version of themselves).  Bander took a bunch of magic books, a copy of Dark Sorcerer Magazine #17, and a +1 devil tongue banana-fork.  Along with the other loot, they stole a silver snuff box full of sulfuric myrrh.  Score!  Just before they were about to leave, a couple sorcerers entered the lab as the PCs hid.  Thurberus with the worst hiding place (under the table) was soon discovered, but quickly talked his way out of trouble and all three promptly left with their haul.

Going back to the Devil's Corridor and then the blood-red door to the temple, the PCs found themselves in a pink, squishy flesh-cavity within a gargantuan insectoid creature with teeth and tentacles that vaguely resembled a brain.  Undeterred by the smell of the place (maple syrup @ss-rape) impaled humanoids by the entrance, they soon found devoted cultists dominated by the demon-queen of wasps (similar, but of a more powerful and infernal quality to what they'd encountered last session).  Her glowing orange eyed slaves were entering a portal that led to a crystal-festooned cave and transporting the crystals to the demon-queen B'zzyantia.

Closing the portal, but not before Bander could get in there and create a purple labyrinth portal for himself (oh yeah, another spell was cast and the side-effect was an aspect of Tsathoggua spit some hallucinogenic bile on an NPC causing him to see visions of [I asked the players to come up with something] Shania Twain as a sexy, degenerate night-clown), they marched on towards a massive demon-hive.  The wasp queen exited, realized these intruders were not gods (to her credit, she did ask first... of course, Tinker, knowing what to say when someone asks if you're a god, was not recognized as such by her), and blasted them while her guards flew towards the PCs in attack formation.  I rolled 4d6 for damage as Tinker failed his save, and got three 1s and a 3.  

Tinker closed the distance asking that if he wasn't a god, then why did she roll mostly 1s (I gave him Divine Favor for breaking the 4th wall), dropped his magic potion (made in the lab) on her, and I gave him the bad news.  She was now a demon wasp-queen scorpion.  Nevertheless, he wanted to rip her head off before she could sting him.  This immediately gave me an idea for a face-off contest.  The sort of battle that was one-on-one, but meant to be quick, decisive and extremely bloody.  This needed a new way of adjudicating death-duel.  I had each participant roll a d6, highest roll is the winner and winner takes all.  Tinker's player rolled a 2 and quickly reached for his recently acquired Divine Favor fuchsia stone, and then rolled a 5.  

I rolled for the queen and told everyone I rolled a 6 as a ruse, a second later revealing the truth - I had actually rolled a 3.  Tinker ripped the queen's head off.  Had she won, Tinker would have been stung by her newfound scorpion tale and probably died.  Maximum drama!  I'm going to formalize this process and come up with a few additional details, but happy with how things turned out.

With their queen dead, all the demon-wasp guards swarmed each other in a Highlander-esque "there can be only one" way of restoring order by starting fresh with a new hive.  One guard went completely crazy - "I'm gonna stick my demon-wasp dick in the mashed potatoes!"  As everyone was murdering each other, Bander and Tinker went inside the blue flame hive.  Tinker found a demon queen egg, which he took.  Bandersnatch found a magic sword suspended in an energy field.  He tried grabbing it, but got shocked and couldn't hold on.  Grabbing it again, he got shocked again but was able to keep his grip and removed the blade from the energy field.

The sword had infernal glyphs (this was indeed Kaltha'alax).  Instead of stats, I told the sorcerer that as he swung the enchanted blade at three demon-wasp guards to clear the exit, that Kaltha'alax went through them like warm butter.  Bandersnatch's player asked if he should write down game mechanics for the sword or simply go with "like warm butter."  For now, I said, let's just keep the sword's abilities / bonuses at "like warm butter."  We'll worry about numbers next time.  

Unable to fireball the hive, they left once most of the wasp guards had killed each other off.  I need to remember that next session, Bandersnatch is basically cursed to be a lightning rod for unfortunate events due to yet another gonzo side-effect of casting spells via Cha'alt crystals.  It was about quitting time, and I was mentally exhausted and emotionally drained (as usually happens after a successful session).

Thanks for reading.  I hope you enjoy all the craziness.  And be careful out there, this world, too, is full of horror!

VS

p.s.  Fantastic news - weekend badges are now available for July 2026's VENGER CON V: The Will To Power.  Want a great new TTRPG community where you can hang out with other gamers, get ideas, advice, and training in order to improve?  Look no further than the fastest-growing group on X - it's the Kult of Kort'thalis.  Want the hardcover Cha'alt trilogy?  Here's how (and they're currently on sale!)!!  

VENGER CON V: The Will To Power

 

Yep, it's that time... VENGER CON time!

Number 5... wow.  It's gonna be a challenge to outdo last year... but I know we can.  We have the power; we always did, hoss.  

I got the promotional materials from Kort'thalis Publishing house-artist Monstark a couple days ago.  Love how it turned out... now, let's fucking destroy last year's record of 35 attendees.  If I have to call upon all the demons of darkness to get there, that's what I'll fucking do.

Right over here is the convention's landing page where weekend badges are already available.  

If you've got any questions or suggestions, let me know.  I should know by Halloween who the Guest of Honor is... maybe multiple people?

Oh yeah, if you want to chat about all things VENGER CON, this is the link to the Kult of Kort'thalis community on X.  Or join to hang out with like-minded TTRPG enthusiasts.  I've got plans for a virtual VENGER CON in January, and information is already up over there.

I really hope you can make it, as it's going to be legendary.  Thanks for supporting and participating!  

Enjoy,

Venger As'Nas Satanis
High Priest of Kort'thalis Publishing

p.s. Next weekend I'm launching another Kickstarter.  The rewards will be a PDF about how I run my game, focusing on play-style with practical tips for adhering to my approach + a whole bunch of my hand-drawn tunnel and cave maps.

"23 Virgins in the Afterlife, but they're all Blue-Haired Feminists with Nose Rings" - CHA'ALT Session Report 3.15

 

The last couple sessions were kind of a "bottle episode."  The PCs were playing themselves but from various dimensions.  Now, it was time to get back on track...

However, the two slightly diverging storylines have pretty much all meshed together in everyone's mind, and I realized at the end of the day, it didn't matter what color they were or what universe they originally hailed from - adventure awaits!

Given the choice, we started the session with purple H'ork, purple Bandersnatch, a Russian "commie" Tinker (everyone enjoyed the Russian accent, which was better than his Jamaican), original Therberus (having gotten tired of the shake-weight, he wanted to get back to that old-time religion of dead cows and suicide cults), and purple / original Black Francis.

Yes, we had a full compliment of 5 players... but since that's so rare (usually one or two can't make it each session), our home game is still looking for a sixth. 

The most significant aspect of the campaign (this third year of it) had been the release of the Great Old One Igg-Yig-Yatha'ak and the promise of ultra-telluric glyph attunement within the Temple of Unimagined Horrors.  The PCs found themselves not knowing exactly where they were but in a system of tunnels and caves below Kha'alestine.

I decided to go with an idea I improvised in one of my latest videos on story-now, here.  Garblegax, the half-demon, half-imp trickster decided to help the PCs because it would help himself.  He was on the run from the blue-raspberry bastards (the PCs from another dimension) led by a tangerine Isithar, the dark-elf who swore to take revenge upon the purple bastards from several sessions ago.  

But the main reason why Garblegax told the PCs that a foursome of demons were in Kha'alestine and magically subduing the Great Old One the PCs were pursuing was that Garblegax had been fired by one of them for not chilling the blood wine to one of the infamous four's satisfaction.  Soon after, wandering the frozen lake, the mischievous demon-imp was captured by slavers and forced to work a series of lowly data entry positions until he escaped.  

With his trademark "Za'alutations," Garblegax detailed the who's who in Hell that were helping the Kha'alestinians, but obviously not out of the goodness of their heart - Zevdub the archduke of the fiery pits, Kreznok leader of the Principalities of Darkness, Senyvo Demon Lord and heir to the circle of heresy, and Baelzyroth 1st Lieutenant of Kort'thalis.  These infernal beings had a plan, and Garblegax wanted the PCs to interfere, which would also benefit themselves and Igg-Yig-Yatha'ak.

However, the infamous four were too strong.  The PCs would need to find one or more artifacts within the Temple of Unimagined Horror before they could face them - including rumors that the witch-haunted Necronomicon was housed there, as well.  This temple could be accessed by walking a couple miles east.  So, the PCs set off to explore these caves on the way.

Before leaving with his box of wine, Garblegax gave the PCs a bag of holding.  I got the idea (from a member of the new X community here) of such bags being registered and accounted for by a serial number.  Being in a whimsical mood, I made it a cereal number, instead.  Bandersnatch put his hand in Garblegax's bag in order to pull out the magic bag he had in there.  He rolled a 5 for the Fruit Loops bag of holding.  The bag of holding had its own chameleon circuit and looked like an actual cereal box, rather than a bag.  Yes, I've been watching a lot of vintage Doctor Who lately.

Now on their way, the PCs soon crossed paths with a fancy gentlemen wearing resplendent robes in the hue of Gallifrey Cardinal Violet, not as impressive as Tyrian Purple, but a close second.  Vorusa was looking for the Vault of Rassilon where he might find the bejeweled codpiece of Rassilon (of course).  With a series of false-flattery and barely veiled insults, the PCs bantered away at Vorusa.  Not wanting to be delayed, he quickly left the PCs' company before he could be stabbed in the back, heading forward into a cave of lizardfolk who the Gallifreyan chastised for leaving dirty puddles all over the place.

There were some filthy beggars also in that cave, which H'ork and Black Francis dispatched as if ordered to by the Orange Emperor of Za'ar!  

After a bit, the PCs also went into the lizardfolk cave.  Instantly killing 3 of their guards, the fiercest warriors of their tribe, the lizardfolk were easily convinced to serve the adventures.  Interrupting that, however, was a small group of interdimensional nomads who arrived via portal with microphone, amplifier, and podium to give their "stolen universe acknowledgement."  Even with greater than average hit-points (oh yeah, most of the PCs are 7th level now) and laser-katanas, the PCs eventually took them out.  Aside from their cool weapons, one of them had a tiny alien creature on his person... along with three mystical seashells.  Thurberus took the little creature in, naming him Ba'ab.

The PCs stayed around the cave to rest as the lizardmen made a hearty spider-leg stew which they all feasted upon.  I made a note to later roll for diahrrea, but promptly forgot about it (maybe for the best, Lol).  With a couple of the lizardfolk walking in front, they explored a cave containing humanoids with glowing yellow eyes mining crystals for the hive.  Clearly, these people were dominated by something.  The PCs stole a few crystals, and soon left.

Pro-GM tip: If you want the PCs (and players) to value something or perceive something in their world as valuable, make it fucking useful!  And while you're benefiting the PCs, do something nice and/or fun for yourself, as well.  You've earned it.  ;)

I toyed with the idea of energy crystals routinely found in the subterranean realms of Cha'alt to be a power source for magic, but decided to explicitly state that a sorcerer could fuel his magic by using crystals.  However, each spell cast with a crystal was accompanied by a roll on that d100 weird side-effect table in Cha'alt: Fuchsia Malaise (I do love that table). So, we got to see some really weird shit as Bandersnatch cast spells throughout their trek.

Soon the PCs came to a cave where a handful of Kha'alestinians were about to throw what appeared to be a half-Druish princess into a pit containing some awful creature.  The d6 Zeeku rolls determined that Kha'alestinians hated v'symm (that's now part of the campaign setting's lore, if not official Cha'alt canon), which is the mask wearing race that Thurberus was.  So, most of them attacked him.  A couple made good on their attacks, braining him with their ga'afi sticks.  

When it was all said and done, the PCs talked to the almost-sacrificed woman wearing fancy brocaded silk and exotically perfumed.  To their dismay, they learned she was only a handmaiden to the Princess of Kha'alestine, and no longer even that as her half-Druish ancestry was found out - which is why she was brought down here to sacrifice.  Without much thought, Bandersnatch pushed her into the pit since she had little to no value to them - I guess that sleaze factor 5 bonus just wasn't needed (somewhere out there, Botserdomus is shaking his detachable penis in dismay).

Eventually, the PCs came upon a larger cave containing a hive in the center.  More possessed humanoids with yellow glowing eyes were here, bringing handfuls of crystals to the Queen.  Several wasp-men were guarding the hive.  Commie-Tinker went in to see what all the fuss was about.  He succeeded his saving throw, but appreciated the top-down proletariat workers-uniting under the Queen.  One well-placed fireball later and only the Queen survived, and she was half-burned at that.  They took her prisoner.  

Wandering around in an easternly direction, they overheard that Gallifreyan saying something and then letting out a scream.  Off to investigate, they found him at the entrance to Rassilon's Vault; by that time, he was a smoking skeleton - his Gallifrey Cardinal Violet robes still intact, though.  Thurberus donned the fancy robes - not magic, not high-tech, but having another quality... gravitas, sacrosanct, and legendary.

The PCs tried their luck at opening the vault.  Thurberus, feeling the luckiest, rolled some dice and eventually opened it - technically on his first try, but only after getting a reroll via burning a point of Divine Favor.  

Inside was the magnificent bejeweled codpiece of Rassilon.  Thurberus somehow found himself its owner and wore it proudly.  The inside of the vault was scrawled with Gallifreyan glyphs.  No one could read them, but one of Vorusa's friends, Kastilan, happened by.  He deciphered them, basically going on and on about the greatness of Rassilon, the Time Lords, and how many people wanted to eat his giblets with a nice chianti.  Does Gallifrey have sandworms?

The codpiece assisted the wearer while using dimensional magic or simply traveling via portal... including time and space. 

Trapping poor Kastilan in the vault, but not before Thurberus wrote a note below the pedestal telling everyone that he had been there, they headed into a long and winding tunnel that was trapped.  Both Bandersnatch and Thurberus were zapped by some ray of energy that turned them into glass.  At this stage, the glass was somewhat malleable.  Bandersnatch had been putting those crystals into his bag of holding, and withdrew another one to quickly cast wish in order to unglass them.  Oh yeah, one of the lizardfolk was also turned to glass.  

He rolled on the d100 table, and got a result that conjured an arcade game similar to Gauntlet that took tokens, specifically Aladdin's Castle tokens.  And it just so happened that two tokens appeared in Bandersnatch's glass hand.  He and Thurberus deposited them in the coin slot and, just before cracking from the pressure and exploding into fragmented shards, became different characters - a female barbarian for Bander and elf wizard for Thurberus - best of all, they were no longer made of glass.  A third token was easily discovered in Bander's pocket, meant for the lizardman who was also turned to glass.  The sorcerer put the third token in and the glass lizard dude became a tech-noir thief, quite an upgrade from spear-toting savage. 

Exiting the tunnel for another cave, the PCs found two black and white checkerboard skinned humanoids playing 17-dimensional chess.  The winner would take possession of a photon torpedo.  They watched for a bit, as Tinker signed-up for the next game.  If Tinker lost, he'd give up Thurberus' newly acquired codpiece.  He had to play the loser and then if Tinker won, he'd play the winner.  It was a long game, but Tinker won.  Then, he played and won the second game.

Garblegax appeared again, warning that the blue-raspberry bastards were on their way, so prepare!  Bander and Thurberus asked Garblegax if he could change them back to their original forms.  He could and he did.  Realizing the power this demon-imp had, the PCs requested him to stay and fight alongside. Thurberus gave the demon-imp his bejeweled codpiece of Rassilon in exchange for staying with them and helping the PCs repel their namesake's attack.  They formulated a plan.

The blue-raspberry bastards, led by tangerine Isithar appeared.  The blue-raspberry Francis appeared directly behind his double in an attempt to slit his throat.  Luckily, Black Francis dodged.  Isithar was ready with a disintegrator beam, but missed.  Instead, accidentally hitting blue-raspberry Francis who made his save and was simply wounded.  

Moments later, Bandersnatch tried to pull out a crystal from his Fruit Loops bag of holding.  He rolled as I'd instructed him to do every time he tried to pull out a deposited object.  This time, he didn't pull out a crystal but a banana.  Oh shit!  

Thinking fast, the party's sorcerer opened a portal to the purple labyrinth.  The PCs escaped (I made the stragglers roll to not be left behind - everyone passed).  Even a single lizardman made it, but not the wasp Queen.  Away they went, and closed the portal in time for the blast which H'ork set for 5 seconds upon the blue-raspberries appearance.  

Inspecting the rubble back in that cave, everyone was dead and accounted for - except for blue-raspberry Tinker.  He's small, so it's possible that they just couldn't find his body - or he somehow made it out of there.  As for their gear, it was all smashed to bits, except for a transparent crystalline segment of the key to time and space.  Taking it with them, they continued on...

And that's where we left things.  Next game is Saturday, September 13th... and then not again until October 4th as I'll be losing a couple of Saturdays due to a vacation over our anniversary.  

Based on our conversation prior to the session, I'm going to put "vengeful skunk-ghost" on the next wandering monster table.  

Thanks for reading,

VS

Want a great new TTRPG community where you can hang out with other gamers, get ideas, advice, and training in order to improve?  Look no further than the fastest-growing group on X - it's the Kult of Kort'thalis.  Want the hardcover Cha'alt trilogy?  Here's how (and they're currently on sale!)!!