Saturday, August 9, 2014

Conquest & The Devil's Sword

If you'll remember, I recounted my top 10 sword and sorcery films here.  Well, I had a little time to myself this weekend.  Some might say I used my time wisely while others would claim that I abused it wickedly.

Nevertheless, it had been far too long since watching Conquest and The Devil's Sword.  I started with the latter...

This has one of the most straightforwardly awesome intros that a fantasy film could have.  Meteor falls from the sky as bearded monk meditates in the darkness.  Apparently, the monk is also quite the blacksmith because he forges a magical sword out of the alien metal.

From there, the film falls off a bit - unless you're into kung-fu with poorly dubbed one-liners.  The Devil's Sword is Indonesian, so prepare yourself.  Lots of flying around, martial arts, and sword play.  Also, chest licking and face kissing.

The hero journeys into some cavern saturated with magenta light.  He encounters the kind of traps you'd see in a typical dungeon.  Fighting crocodile-men are another highlight!  After all, the antagonist is "the sexually insatiable Crocodile Queen", says the back of the DVD.

The crocodile theme continues as we see her subterranean palace decked out with gigantic stone crocodile jaws, inside of which are equally gigantic purple crystals.  Nice!

Finally, we watch the showdown.  Hot villainess turns ugly and is eventually defeated by the hero, some dude's wife, and that meteor sword.

Not the best sword and sorcery film ever but worth seeing once.

The next day, I watched Conquest.        
I had forgotten how awesome and loopy this film is.  Also forgot that it was directed by the Italian horror legend Lucio Fulci.  He isn't called the Maestro of Gore for nothing!  There are a few sickening practical special effects.  Lots of blood.

The audience is treated to some weird humanoids that look like gnolls or something.  The villainess of this film is naked throughout, except for spiked metal panties.  Oh yeah, she's always seen wearing a gold mask.  Creepy, sexy, and mysterious.  Also, quite a bit of snake writhing.  The kind of thing you wouldn't want to watch with your daughter.

What else?  There's a magical bow.  The first few minutes provides exposition, but since it happens in a dream or the afterlife or something it's all echo-y and hard to hear.  Meanwhile, there's an older cynical mentor / survivalist dude.  Basically, the Han Solo of Conquest's strange and violent fantasy world.

My wife was trying to tell me something about vacation plans or the real housewives of Atlanta or something while this next part was playing... most likely a key part of the film because the next thing I know, the hero's severed head is being carried around by the masked woman's champion.

In the end, this villainess, too, is revealed to be ugly as sin.  Well, you knew she was probably wearing that gold mask for a reason.

It's weird, erotic, and occasionally comical... punctuated with moments of hyper-violence and bloodshed.  Definitely see this movie before you die, but that one time will probably be enough.


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