"Lost In Translation" - CHA'ALT Campaign 3.3

 

I'll start out by saying we almost didn't play this weekend.  One player was on a pick-up artist pub crawl sojourn in Florida, another was terribly sick.  A third had been traveling for work and needed to spend time with his wife before leaving again.  

I suggested shortening the game to 3 hours so at least then he'd have time to go out to dinner with his wife or something.  He could hear the desperation in my text and took pity on this poor, beleaguered Game Master.  With 3 players (and no warrior in sight), we continued season three of the magnificent Cha'alt campaign.

Bandersnatch the blue-suede elf sorcerer (bard-guitarist), Thurberus the v'smm priest, and Tinker the pixie-fairy thief.  Their tour shuttle was just pulling into the golden gates of Federation Occupied A'agrybah when Bandersnatch and Tinker - but later we discovered that it was Thurberus, as well (the ones who partook of last session's Blessing of Kort'thalis) were awoken by the same dream...

They were walking down the street and passed a smiling man who held a bag of coins in his hand.  As the man went by, the adventurers turned and stabbed him in the back.  Blood poured from his wound and the PCs' mouths as they woke up to find themselves opening a door that led to a kitchen.

Sitting at that kitchen table were three mature women known as the Golden Girls... Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose.

Dorothy: "Well, who's this tall drink of nothing?"

Blanche: "I don't know, he's kind of cute for a grizzled, ruthless, cold-hearted adventurer."

Rose: "How can you tell he's grizzled?"

Dorothy: "See those muddy boots, cuts and scrapes all over his hands and face?  He's grizzled.  Let's move on."

Blanche: "Oh, Mr. Adventurer, sir... why don't you come over here and explore my love tunnel?"

Sophia [from the bedroom]: "Is the doctor here?  If he is, send him in - I'm already bent over for my hemorrhoid inspection!"

Then, the PCs woke up again - realizing they'd been asleep on the journey back from the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice.  Botsterdomus saw a flyer for droid jousting and jumped out the shuttle window.  As everyone disembarked (except H'ork, he never woke up and must have slept through a few more tours), they noticed a riot.

The PCs had a choice of pushing-through the wall of Federation soldiers and Cha'alt natives pushing back or going around the edge of the city to avoid them.  They went through.  Bandersnach was grazed with a laser blast, Thurberus got knifed, and Tinker was handed an ornately carved sandworm tooth - the eldritch glyphs were a prayer to Yog-Soggoth.  Before leaving, the elf who handed the tooth to Tinker showed his explosive belt beneath his robes.

What was the riot about?  Thanks to a protest sign that read "Stop inserting our dinner up your Federation ass!" and questioning rioters, the PCs learned that a Cha'alt insect known as the quicidia are a local delicacy, but the Federation uses them as a pleasurable anal suppository (thus, putting those insects on an endangered species list so the natives can't eat them).  Apparently, the skittering skills the quicidia learn in the wild are what Federation elite prefer, which is why they can't simply farm the insects on a space station.

Before going any farther, I'll just say that there was a lot of running around this session.  Whole lot of footwork, social interaction, and exploration, very little carnage.  So it goes...

The PCs made their way to the starport at the center of Federation Occupied A'agrybah because they needed to get paid before they could buy stuff at the other locations of interest.  Security was tight due to all the civil unrest in the city.  A dozen soldiers were scanning folks, going through baggage.  Anyone with a Cha'alt native neck tattoo was barred from entering the docking bay.

What to do?  Tinker, being only 6-inches tall, flew up and into an open window to make his way to the S.S. Motherfucker where he found a freaked-out Jay-vax.  Captain Neevo never returned and the ship's computer was locked-down unless they had a retina scan or password.  Neevo's personal computer was in his quarters, so Jay-vax and Tinker checked his browsing history - pornhub, hub-porn, you porn, porn rub, XXX-tube, Venger's lounge, vintage orgies with massive boobs and hairy snatch, along with directions to and menu options for a cantina located downtown called The Blue Banana.

Jay-vax needed to stay with the ship; he implored the adventurers to find Captain Neevo and get him back to the Motherfucker before it was too late.  Before leaving, the racoonoid gave Tinker 500 credits in walking around money, hoping that would be enough to get them in and out of trouble at the Blue Banana.

The PCs added that to their lengthy to-do list and headed to the merchant and red silk districts which were right next to each other.  Walking through streets and back alleys, they happened upon a couple of street scum abusing an orange colored worm the size of a loveseat.  The ruffians were slapping this "porch worm" around, trying to fill an empty bottle with worm wine from his neck penis.

The PCs interjected and when they were threatened by one of the scum, Thurberus blew him away with his blaster, and the other ran.  Bandersnatch used his language spell to communicate with the worm.  Apparently, his name was Clyde and he belonged to a winemaker named Julian.  Soon after, Julian found them all and invited the PCs back to his winery in the back of Julian's wine bar.

They saw a half-dozen couch-sized worms watching porn (it relaxes them) until they got the urge to pee.  Holding their neck fat at bay, Julian moved a wine bottle to the tip of one's neck penis in order to fill it with delicious and refreshing worm wine.  The PCs had just drank some with a loathsome lavender hue and the refreshing bouquet of a chilled spice-peach liqueur.  They talked a little business, possibly one day becoming off-world distributors for Julian's fancy piss - straight outta A'agrybah.  Then, departed - but not before hearing the legend of how the ancients knew a secret distillation process for making the best worm wine in the known universe.

The PCs went to Reznik's burned-out Radio Shack and got some cybernetic enhancements in exchange for all the 8-track cassette discs of porn and exploitation films they found last session.  Thurberus got a lightning hand.  Tinker got a cyclops-visor for seeing through walls and wrist-lasers.  And they all took an artificial skin-graft with them in order to hide their tattoos, if needed. 

Then, they journeyed a little ways to the curio shop where that scroll the demon lord wanted was housed - At Your Mercy.  Walking into the shop (except for Tinker as his demonic dark passenger was kept out by the shop's wards against infernal beings and magic), the owner's nephew Alkameed asked them what they needed.

When they told Alkameed they wanted the Nyazian scroll (among other scrolls so as not to be overly suspicious), the shop clerk told them his uncle Indiana would only allow it to be sold in aid of scholarly pursuits or if it were kept in a museum ("It belongs in a museum," his uncle would often say).

Assuring Alkameed that the Nyazian scroll would be displayed in a museum, he sold it to them - but not before a serious price reduction owing to Sass taking the young man in the back and showing him a good time.  By the time they finished, the others had found a few other things to buy... the glass eye of a reptilian war-chief, an illumination orb that glowed glittering gold like a disco ball, and a book of dimensional magic with instructions on opening a portal to the purple labyrinth.

It was getting late, so they spent the night at Julian's wine bar.  But not before getting Uncle Indiana to ward Bandersnatch, Thurberus, and the travel tube containing the Nyazian scroll, saving them from being attacked by demons before they could send the scroll to the demon lord.  After waking, they headed over to the Cha'alt excursion tour shuttle and rode over to the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice again, finding the brush-covered cave that would lead them back to the demon lord Cholak.  The PCs forgot that there was a metallic door their former contact opened with a keycard.

I casually, but not too casually, slid the Cha'alt X-Cards over to Bandersnatch's player as they all wondered aloud how they were going to get through.  The sleaze card was stimulated and I decided that minutes later, a man wearing a black trench-coat appeared in that little cave, sure that this was the location of a sex party he'd been invited to.  Assuming that's why the adventurers were also there, he stepped up to the metal door, knocked, and when asked for the password said "Oooorrrrggyyy."

Everyone went through the opened door.  A weird pink slime was everywhere - all over the floor and stone walls.  They tracked this syrupy coating to that black devil mouth oozing a violet-magenta mist that crept along the ground.  The mist interacting with the moisture of the caves and tunnels created that strange pink substance.  Asking the orgy guy to go first, they had him wander into the devil's mouth.  When he didn't come back, they tied something around Tinker's waist and eased him through.

It was a portal to Quorta'ath.  Besides mounds of pink gelatinous slime, they saw a back temple or fortress in the distance and a tentacled pillar of purple and fuchsia darkness.  It moved towards the dude in black, eviscerating him.  Tinker saw that and quickly backed out.  Bandersnatch peaked his head in quick to confirm what was going on, then they all searched for Cholak's cave.  Sure enough, they found him sitting upon his throne of sewn corpses, his subhuman servants loped about, grunting with curiosity.

Cholak told them of the scroll's ultra-telluric glyphs (which Alkameed had already warned them about) - that they were impossible to translate, being so alien.  However, it was prophesied that ultra-telluric glyphs could be deciphered within the Temple of Unimagined Horrors located in the S'kwa'aves region of the S'kbah desert, an hour's travel southwest of the purple worm corpse.

"You may think this far too much effort simply to translate a 10,000 year old scroll, but I assure you, speaking the ultra-telluric glyphs written in zoth upon this parchment aloud - while performing the ritual of Ascension - will make me the master and ruler of Cha'alt."

So, Cholak effectively became their patron, as the adventurers agreed to help make the demon lord "President of Cha'alt."  The PCs remembered Cholak mentioning a further reward, and bequeathed to them 3 magical gifts... 

• To Tinker went a necklace of a worm fashioned out of purple jade.  Once per day, it allowed the wearer to transform himself into a giant worm.
• Thurberus was gifted a golden shield that gave Disadvantage to opponents attacking the shield-bearer.  
• The last was a turquoise helm that focused concentration and would supercharge a sorcerer's spellcasting.  

The PCs gladly accepted these gifts [man, it would be a real bummer if these magic items constantly nagged the PCs to stay on task and refused to work if they ever betrayed Cholak] and agreed to seek the translation in the Temple of Unimagined Horrors.  That's where we ended it.  Not bad for a 3-hour tour!

Since they'll encounter the purple worm corpse first, I imagine they'll explore that before the temple.  Lots of combat next session.  And one or two surprises, of course.  

I owe each of the PCs 3 points of Divine Favor (and Bandersnatch 4) for various activities and contributions throughout the session, so I'm leaving this here as a reminder.

Lots of laughs between the 4 of us.  The following were amusing and/or poignant phrases uttered around the table...

• "We'll be made dishonorary demons."
• "He's got management written all over him with infernal glyphs."
• "It was in last month's column of Places To Put Your Schlong in Dark Priest Monthly."
• "What is the air speed of an unladen sandworm?"
• "Julian wakes you up with a nice breakfast wine that tastes like cinnamon rolls."
• "The fraxel-meyer proposition."
• "We'll just wait awhile... see what happens." That not-exact-quotation from The Thing helps me remember a truism about Game Mastering.  Revelations come in their own time.  You can't force them.  Sometimes, you've just got to wait and see.
• "He who constipates an entire army, controls that army." We discussed putting those worms of Set up someone's bottom in order to control their bowel movements.
• "Anal dynamics... anal economics... anal analytics, and anal economic theory."
• "Why not start our own business - we'll be the first name in butts!" and "Butt Bugs R Us... another business plan for the Crimson Bastards."
• "I'd like to be the Secretary of Commerce," said Thurberus after finding out that Cholak will take over the world, and make the PCs his dukes, barons, etc.
• "Who am I to stand in the way of Federation elite and their butt bugs?"
• "Never look a gift worm in the mouth."

I hope you were suitably entertained.  FYI, just made Primordial Chaos: Gonzo Like A Fucking Boss 50% off on DTRPG.  If you have a question or comment, do your thing down below.  Next session is Saturday, February 22nd.  Looking forward to it!

Enjoy,

VS

p.s. Want the hardcover Cha'alt trilogy?  here's how!  Want to join the Kort'thalis mailing list to stay up-to-date on what's going on in the skinematic Vengerverse?  This is it!!  Last but not least, I'm organizing a based-as-fuck RPG convention in Madison, WI this July.  Grab your weekend badge for VENGER CON IV: Post-Modern Apocalypse!!!