"Worm Wine Should Always Be Served At Room Temperature" - CHA'ALT Session Report 3.16

 

This session didn't start out right away because it almost never does.  Having not seen each other for a couple weeks, we like to chat about what's going on... in our personal lives and/or the world.

I told the guys about my getting scammed and how several really dumb and/or ignorant decisions on my part resulted in making an unfortunate situation worse.  In future: call a legitimate professional company rather than some guy on the internet, ask what the costs are up-front, always check with your wife, don't pay with a check.

But then we pivoted to Charlie Kirk's assassination.  Such a tragic event that's shocked our nation and will reverberate through America's political climate for years to come.  RIP, hoss.

Even though I've been beating myself up for being the victim of scammers all week, I was determined to run the best game I could, and didn't disappoint by all accounts, crossing Yog-Soggoth's tentacles.  With three players, Bandersnatch, Thurberus, and Tinker, we carried on...

Looking back at the rubble, dust, and devastation from that photon torpedo set off at the end of last session to destroy their other-colored selves who wanted them dead, the PCs checked to see how many passages out of that massive cavern were still viable post-cave-in.  Only two.

As they headed north to an unobstructed tunnel, they smelled something bad.  Bandersnatch turned Tinker invisible so he could look up ahead and see what was going on.  A couple of black robed humanoids were in a stand-off with a vengeful skunk ghost (promises made, promises kept).  The men were trying to coax the stinky apparition into a magic bottle.

In exchange for the black robes (apparently, robes are valuable on Cha'alt?), Tinker said he'd help them, which the men gladly accepted.  The party's sorcerer was nearly sprayed while trying to dominate the skunk ghost - thankfully, he used the old "By His loathsome tentacles" because he missed his saving throw by one.  Bander's spell went off and the skunk when in the bottle.

The NPCs parted ways when Thurberus attempted to gather them into the cult like folds of spotted-cow velvet.  But I rolled a natural 20 for the NPCs' internal bullshit detector, and they splashed the v'symm priest with ectoplasmic stink before running away.  

Thurberus hung back about 50' so he didn't offend his two companions as Bandersnatch and Tinker explored further north.  To the east was the sound of a bass-zita'ar, and they followed.  "Bass-zita'ar solo, take one."  Garblegax was jamming on his instrument as the PCs approached.  They talked about the Temple of Unimagined Horrors, the demon-imp mentioned Kaltha'alax, though the PCs didn't know who or what that was, they talked about the demons Garblegax wanted revenge upon, but mostly they discussed the ideal serving temperature of worm wine - room temperature.

Oh, and Garblegax magically provided a bathtub full of zama'ato juice that would clean him; Garblegax also sent his Gallifrey cardinal violet robes to be dry-cleaned.  

Heading over to the western cave, they came upon "leech-men" that sloshed around a cave full of gross, dark-purple muck (shout-out to that DCC monster book I picked-up at the last GaryCon).  After a combat where most of them were killed and the remainder ran off, Thurberus entered a strange booth that appeared when Bandersnatch had cast his missile command spell.  He's been using those energy crystals to power his spells, and I've been asking for d100 rolls on the spell side-effect table in Cha'alt: Fuchsia Malaise.

Sure enough, it was a nudie booth.  Thurberus didn't bother to try his Federation credits, but instead smashed the currency exchange device found next to the coin slot. 74 coins spilled out- groovy!  Inserting a couple, the curtain on the other side of the glass panel opened to reveal two beautiful women who did whatever the watcher wanted.  Upon rolling a d12, it was determined that Thurberus finished by the 10th coin.  Exiting the booth, he passed a janitor named Darrel who was the assigned jiz-mopper for that day.  But Thurberus now had his sleaze factor-five bonus and that's a good thing.

Heading south, the PCs discovered a cave where nothing was going on.  Hilariously, this, they thought, was one of the strangest experiences they've ever encountered on Cha'alt.  A cave with absolutely nothing happening?  Where were the demons, humanoids, bizarre creatures, weird colors, artifacts, crystals, tentacles, etc.?  Are there imaginary monsters?  Is this part of the Truman Show?  What is the mystery behind this empty cave?  Yeah, it really freaked them out.

Moving on, they soon came to a swirling red portal.  Thurberus stuck his sword in the portal before entering.  He heard an ouch, and found a demon tour guide ready to show them around the zig-zaggy Devil's Corridor, a who's who of Hell where nigrescent busts of important demons through history lined the lightning-bolt configured walls.  Luckily the tour guide, Zarjeet (who slapped Thurberus in the face with a fish for almost murdering him - still had my plush fish stuffy on hand from VENGER CON), had a golfcart and microphone so he could give the PCs a proper tour before taking them to a blood-red door leading to the Temple of Unimagined Horrors.

One such story went like this...

"Salzavesa was a particularly intolerant devil who impaled over a thousand lesser infernals while leading his army through Hell.  Salzavesa was eventually met by several opposing factions, but defeated them by retreating into the den of a gigantic bearded fire-lizard who he appeased with a gift of sulfuric myrrh and became his loyal pet... until Salzavesa was forced to eat the bearded fire-lizard to stay alive when Hell froze-over many years later."

Believing this was a sign that meant they shouldn't arrive at the temple without sulfuric myrrh, they asked Zarjeet where they could find such things?  Across from the red door was a black door where sulfuric myrrh could be found.  Before leaving their tour guide, they talked about worm wine and how it should always be served at room temperature - this was now becoming the running gag for the session.

Soon after entering, the PCs realized they were inside The Black Pyramid of Cha'alt.  

The first room was a matrix-like immersive video game called Cha'alt, where 5 humanoids played while hooked up to a machine.  Stealing some stuff (but leaving behind a detachable penis they found) and spilling Purple Prizm on white socks, the PCs moved on to a room containing nearly 50 mannequins who could talk via telepathy.  Discussion of insane wizard spells, purple corduroy pants, and next door alchemist labs led to retrieving the detachable penis and fitting it onto one of the mannequins.  Then, Bandersnatch used two crystals to super-size his dispel magic spell, restoring 29 out of the 50.

"How long have you been mannequins?"

"Let me ask you this... do people still drink their room-temperature worm wine laced with raspberry flavored sausages?"

"Wow, that's a long time..."

Rummaging around the alchemist lab in the adjacent room, they found a number of odd items - including beakers of various colored liquids that Tinker combined to make his own concoction (per Zeeku, he rolled a 1 on the d6 and I decided that whoever was splashed with its contents would turn into a giant scorpion version of themselves).  Bander took a bunch of magic books, a copy of Dark Sorcerer Magazine #17, and a +1 devil tongue banana-fork.  Along with the other loot, they stole a silver snuff box full of sulfuric myrrh.  Score!  Just before they were about to leave, a couple sorcerers entered the lab as the PCs hid.  Thurberus with the worst hiding place (under the table) was soon discovered, but quickly talked his way out of trouble and all three promptly left with their haul.

Going back to the Devil's Corridor and then the blood-red door to the temple, the PCs found themselves in a pink, squishy flesh-cavity within a gargantuan insectoid creature with teeth and tentacles that vaguely resembled a brain.  Undeterred by the smell of the place (maple syrup @ss-rape) impaled humanoids by the entrance, they soon found devoted cultists dominated by the demon-queen of wasps (similar, but of a more powerful and infernal quality to what they'd encountered last session).  Her glowing orange eyed slaves were entering a portal that led to a crystal-festooned cave and transporting the crystals to the demon-queen B'zzyantia.

Closing the portal, but not before Bander could get in there and create a purple labyrinth portal for himself (oh yeah, another spell was cast and the side-effect was an aspect of Tsathoggua spit some hallucinogenic bile on an NPC causing him to see visions of [I asked the players to come up with something] Shania Twain as a sexy, degenerate night-clown), they marched on towards a massive demon-hive.  The wasp queen exited, realized these intruders were not gods (to her credit, she did ask first... of course, Tinker, knowing what to say when someone asks if you're a god, was not recognized as such by her), and blasted them while her guards flew towards the PCs in attack formation.  I rolled 4d6 for damage as Tinker failed his save, and got three 1s and a 3.  

Tinker closed the distance asking that if he wasn't a god, then why did she roll mostly 1s (I gave him Divine Favor for breaking the 4th wall), dropped his magic potion (made in the lab) on her, and I gave him the bad news.  She was now a demon wasp-queen scorpion.  Nevertheless, he wanted to rip her head off before she could sting him.  This immediately gave me an idea for a face-off contest.  The sort of battle that was one-on-one, but meant to be quick, decisive and extremely bloody.  This needed a new way of adjudicating death-duel.  I had each participant roll a d6, highest roll is the winner and winner takes all.  Tinker's player rolled a 2 and quickly reached for his recently acquired Divine Favor fuchsia stone, and then rolled a 5.  

I rolled for the queen and told everyone I rolled a 6 as a ruse, a second later revealing the truth - I had actually rolled a 3.  Tinker ripped the queen's head off.  Had she won, Tinker would have been stung by her newfound scorpion tale and probably died.  Maximum drama!  I'm going to formalize this process and come up with a few additional details, but happy with how things turned out.

With their queen dead, all the demon-wasp guards swarmed each other in a Highlander-esque "there can be only one" way of restoring order by starting fresh with a new hive.  One guard went completely crazy - "I'm gonna stick my demon-wasp dick in the mashed potatoes!"  As everyone was murdering each other, Bander and Tinker went inside the blue flame hive.  Tinker found a demon queen egg, which he took.  Bandersnatch found a magic sword suspended in an energy field.  He tried grabbing it, but got shocked and couldn't hold on.  Grabbing it again, he got shocked again but was able to keep his grip and removed the blade from the energy field.

The sword had infernal glyphs (this was indeed Kaltha'alax).  Instead of stats, I told the sorcerer that as he swung the enchanted blade at three demon-wasp guards to clear the exit, that Kaltha'alax went through them like warm butter.  Bandersnatch's player asked if he should write down game mechanics for the sword or simply go with "like warm butter."  For now, I said, let's just keep the sword's abilities / bonuses at "like warm butter."  We'll worry about numbers next time.  

Unable to fireball the hive, they left once most of the wasp guards had killed each other off.  I need to remember that next session, Bandersnatch is basically cursed to be a lightning rod for unfortunate events due to yet another gonzo side-effect of casting spells via Cha'alt crystals.  It was about quitting time, and I was mentally exhausted and emotionally drained (as usually happens after a successful session).

Thanks for reading.  I hope you enjoy all the craziness.  And be careful out there, this world, too, is full of horror!

VS

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