Thursday, September 13, 2018
"All About That Sauce" - Alpha Blue play report
Today was my third attempt at getting a one-shot Alpha Blue game going on Roll20. Must have rolled a 3 because my success was minimal. A single player...
However, that was actually good news! Because the scenario I wanted to playtest begins as a solo-adventure.
Below is the transcription from our session (I skipped a few bits). Not too worried about spoilers because I tailored the game to Tim's character - Bob Forsythe, a pizza delivery boy - and it's a bit different than what will appear in the finished product.
Hope you enjoy it! Didn't expect this NPC cameo, but crazy, unexpected shit happens during actual play. ;)
VS: Just as you're leaving planetary orbit, you remember your wife nagging you about taking out that space cardboard. Delivering pizzas can wait, you suppose. You make a u-turn back to your house only to find a rocket-cycle parked in your spot.
Tim: I have a sneaking suspicion it's not an early birthday present. I wanna see what's up and head around back, leaving my car parked in front of the rocket-cycle, blocking it from leaving.
VS: Ok, you head to the back of the house, look into the bedroom window and see a blue alien porking your wife.
Tim: What the Hell? Time to burst in and tell her what's on my mind. "Damn it, Tessa! You said that was the last time."
You can see that Ben-wa is space French and doesn't stop fucking your wife while she tries to explain.
Tim: "I don't mind spicing things up, but the point is 'I' really have to be involved."
"Seriously, dude... could you stop for 5 minutes?"
VS: "You know she's not actually your wife, right?" Ben-wa says. Tessa elbows him in the ribs and whispers that he wasn't supposed to say anything about that.
Tim: "Wait... diamonds?"
"Wait, what?!?" Bob waves the hand with his wedding band on it, as proof that they really are married.
VS: "I suppose the jig is up, Bob. I was assigned to spy on you by the Federation. I'm a Federation agent within the pizza sauce task force. My real name is Spectra. Our marriage is a sham - just part of the job. But now that you know all this... I'll have to terminate you. Sorry, honey."
She looks for her laser pistol on the nightstand, but it must have gotten misplaced when Ben-wa brought out his dozen bottles of lube.
Tim: Damn Feds. They never did really get over the Calzone wars, even though they were on the winning side.
Well, that pistol should be nearby. I'm going to dive for the floor to where it probably fell. [rolls poorly, highest is a "3"]
VS: Ok, you dive. You grab hold of it, but Ben-wa already finished with your "wife" and has his blaster trained on you. You notice his blue load dripping out of Tessa... oops, I mean Spectra.
Tim: Maybe I can distract him for a moment...
"Well, Ben-wa, I have to say that what you lack in technique, you make up for in speed. Perhaps after another 10 goes she would be done as well."
If he flinches or seems distrated by the comment, I'll blast him. [rolls poorly again]
VS: He seems momentarily distracted, so you fired. Ben-wa was ready for your clever ruse and dodged out of the way. Now, he fires!
Your shoulder is grazed by his blaster fire as you tuck and roll back onto your feet.
Tim: Well, discretion is the better part of valor. I'll lay down a couple of shots to keep their heads down and beat a hasty retreat through the house to the garage.
VS: You see her purse sitting on the mudroom counter on the way to the garage.
Tim: Well, that's just asking to go with me... and so it does. Maybe this whole secret agent thing is just some elaborate roleplay. But that laser burn on my shoulder sure doesn't feel fake.
VS: You grab the purse and go through it as you sit in your flying car.
Tim: Ok, pull forward to knock the bike over. I'll make me feel better. Then back out and get into space. When I can put it on cruise control, I'll rummage through her purse.
VS: You see your wife's communicator, her access crystal with 2,300 credits digitally loaded onto it, and a Federation badge.
Tim: With a heavy heart check the credentials for the badge to confirm the truth I so desperately want to deny.
Tim: So, racking my brain... what would the Feds want with me as a connection to the pizza sauce task force? I'm just a delivery guy, so this has to be bigger than me.
VS: Just then Spectra's communicator receives a call from someone in the Zero Rez space station, not too far from you.
Tim: Well, the day can't get any worse. I'll answer the call.
VS: "Spectra, are you there? This is Majess Du Kunth at Zero Rez. Are you receiving me?"
Tim: Damn, it can get worse. What do I know about Zero Rez / Majess Du Kunth?
VS: Only that it's full of offices, fairly nondescript. Once while your "wife" was sleeping, she mentioned the name Majess Du Kunth. You assumed it was an old boyfriend by the way she was moaning.
"I'm having trouble getting your signal. Are you there, Spectra?"
Tim: "Sorry, Spectra can't come to the comm right now, she's occupied with being the worse agent you've ever had!"
VS: "I don't know, I've had a lot of agents over the years. She can't have been any worse than Gerald... used his teeth far too much."
Tim: Hmm, it would probably be suicide to go charging straight in. Anyone I can call on for help?
VS: You know of one man who might be able to help you. He eats pizza at the place you deliver for about 6 out of 7 standard days.
Tim: (Lie) "This is Tonks Redridge of the Space Rangers. I was running a deep undercover mission which YOUR agent completely bungled."
(Drive to pizza place)
VS: "I can't keep this secret any more... the sauce... it's people! We've triple-checked the ingredients... the sauce is made out of people, space ranger Redridge. It's PEEEOOOOPPLLLEEEE!!!"
You arrive at the pizza place. Your buddy Venger Satanis is there eating his usual 1d4+1 slices of pepperoni pizza and drinking purple prizm.
Tim: "What you mean like humans, or those 5 legged Alpha Zaronians? Never thought of them much like people... more like intelligent potatoes.
VS: "Human being people!"
Tim: "Venger... hey. How good would you say the pie is at this place?"
VS: "It's my favorite place to eat pizza, hoss!"
Tim: I sure don't like the idea of serving folks, but I like the idea of getting shot at even less.
"Someone wants to shut it down. Shut it all down, man!"
VS: Venger yells, "Nooo!"
Tim: I know who's behind it. The only question is how far would you go to save this sauce?"
VS: "As far as it takes, hoss."
Tim: "See this laser burn? The Feds, man. They're spouting lies and want to shut it down. Shut all the pizza places down. I've got to stop them. The fate of the galaxy's junk food rests on my, and partly your, shoulders. Are you with me?"
VS: "You had me at 'pie', hoss."
Tim: "We've got to break into Zero Rez and get to Majess Du Kunth's office. I think our only chance is to destroy all their files. Feds can't do anything without paperwork."
VS: "Hop in." Venger fires up the thrusters on his 18 space wheeler and punches in the coordinates for Zero Rez. "Ain't no motherfucker going to shut my pizza down."
Tim: On the way, I want to look up the offices of Majess at Zero Rez. I expect it to have a cover (Fed investigation office would be a bit obvious, but the gov has done worse.)
VS: Venger jumps out for a sec in order to get a refill on his purple prizm - then back in and off the two of you go.
You see a block of offices listed as "Sausage Specialists" over at Zero Rez.
Tim: "So, I've got this badge. It'll probably get us past a first glance but after that, man, it is really just up to our luck... and this here blaster."
VS: "Yeehaw!" Venger attempts to force-dock with the space station...
[I roll poorly, as well]
Large areas of both his truck and the space station's docking area are damaged, but you're safely in. The office directory says that Sausage Specialists are just down the corridor. You see a couple of low-level Feds guarding Majess' office.
Tim: Bob is going to grab something nearby (a box maybe) and do his best delivery man impression (he's trained for this) to get close to the door.
"Hi, guys. HDS Delivering a package for Mr... eh, I can't make this out. I'll just take this inside to have the secretary sign for it."
VS: Finally, luck is with you! Your delivery training has paid off. Everyone leaves you alone with your package. Venger pretends to be your security guard side-kick.
You're inside. You see a man at his desk with a name-plate that reads Majess Du Kunth. There's a replica t-rex on his desk, alone with a uterus-shaped glass paperweight [FYI, there are absolutely no pictures of such a thing on the internet] and a box containing a half-eaten cherry pie.
Tim: I saunter up to the desk, "Nice pie you've got there, Mr... Kunth. Seems to be missing something though... like sauce?"
VS: Venger takes a bite out of the cherry pie.
"The sauce," Majess says in horror. "You know?!?"
Tim: I throw the box at him and then pistol whip him while he catches the box.
[rolls poorly... again]
VS: You throw the box, he tries to catch it, misses, and then you slap the barrel of your pistol across his face. It leaves a mark, but he reaches inside his desk drawer and pulls out a double-edged whoopie cushion... vorpal.
Tim: Shoot, that's what I get for being a nice guy and not trying to kill him.
VS: Venger asks, "Is this the asshole trying to kill my pizza urge?"
Tim: "This is the guy!"
VS: Venger shoots him in the gut.
[I roll decent and wound Majess] [I roll to randomly decide who Majess is going to attack - it's Bob. I roll well.]
VS: He cuts off Bob's right hand. Now, he'll have to get proficient with his left. Luckily, you were holding the gun in your left hand.
[Since the game's almost over, I double Tim's dice pool but he still gets a shitty result]
You distract him just long enough for Venger to get a clean shot...
[I roll a critical success for my NPC]
Tim: "Ha, you fell for the old cut off my hand while my friend shoots you trick!"
VS: Venger puts a hole right through Majess' skull. "Sauce that, hoss!"
Tim: Well, let's check the computer to see if the information is true, and then delete all of it regardless of the results. At least it might make for a good story worth a free beer or hand-job in the future.
VS: You check the computer and see that the pizza sauce is actually made of peop'ple. Peop'ple is a rare form of tomato shaped like a vagina.
Meanwhile, Venger gets a hot nurse to make a house call. The nurse comes in and bandages Bob's hand... to completion.
Tim: Not the hand-job I was expecting, but a hand-job nonetheless.
That was the game. Stay tuned to this blog so you know when Kobayashi Maroon by Zoltar Khan Delgado drops!
p.s. That first picture? It's what can happen when you google "Venger Satanis" - you've been warned!