Stargate: The Remake

 

Is the 1994 Stargate movie about to be remade by Hollywood?  Probably not, but if they do... this is how you go about fixing it.

Stargate is NOT a perfect movie.  The premise is awesome, while the execution is extremely mid.  Starting with the script and whoever was the head producer or director, Stargate could have been a huge movie franchise, instead of a launch pad for several TV series.

Would Hollywood fuck Stargate over with their remake?  Yeah, probably, but even wokeness must eventually die.  And if they do a remake, hopefully, it comes to fruition after they felt the need to replace Kurt Russell with a black lesbian in a wheelchair.  

Ok, let's get on with this - here's my top 10 ways to fix Stargate (BTW, there will be spoilers.  If you haven't seen it yet, sorry, but it came out 30 years ago).  Also these concepts can be applied to your RPG campaigns, as well...

1) Why is no one astonished, awestruck, or flabbergasted in the least at the idea of a high-tech portal to other worlds?  I get why the top brass military dudes' reaction is understated.  They've known for a couple years at this point, but there has to be some guy (a stand-in for certain members of the audience) who are shitting their pants at the notion that a stargate actually exists!  I know James Spader has a fairly good "surprise face," but it's just not enough.

2) Instead of the old broad, please for the love of God, swap-in a young, hot woman who the protagonist continually flirts with only to be shot down again and again.  She calls him "geek," etc.  And, we find out, he gets this reaction a lot.  This makes him staying at the end of the movie, not only more believable but more satisfying.  Plus, not having to look at my grandmother for the first third of the film... thumbs up!

3) Why exactly does Kurt Russell's kid have to be dead for the story to move forward?  Aside from one small part later in the movie where he swipes the gun away from a native youth, this doesn't serve the movie at all.  If his kid was still alive, he'd have a reason to go back.  There would be - wait for it - drama and conflict!  You know, the stuff that good stories are made of.  Plus, it's 1 part downer and 1 part obviously liberal propaganda that "guns are bad, m'kay."

4) Either lose or significantly alter the zippo lighter scene.  It goes on way too long for how little it adds to the movie.

5) After a few seconds, the audience suddenly begins to hear English from the natives.  They're still speaking a foreign or alien language, but it's now intelligible to the audience.  This moviemaking fix became a thing in the 00s, I believe, probably because enough directors watched Stargate and realized how stupid it is for American audiences to wade through paragraphs of nonsensical bullshit and have to read a whole bunch of subtitles or be clueless as to what's being said.

6) Make the world more alien.  Here's a few suggestions... fuchsia sky, twin suns, seven moons, sandworms, humanoids a different color, some of them bananas, etc.

7) Make those metallic Egyptian headpieces more like actual masks than metal artificial faces above their real head.

8) All those half-naked boys and young men with weirdly and strategically shaved heads - what is this, gay pedo planet?  Make them 18+ girls with at least one harem scene and you've just doubled your opening weekend, bro!  The main villain is giving off non-binary / trans vibes circa 2022, but I'm actually cool with that because it's mildly disturbing, just like it always should be when someone jams a square peg into a round hole in order to become something they're clearly not. 

9) Make the native girl more attractive.  Her face and body are... fine, I guess.  But there needs to be something sexy about her, like a seductive dance, alien sexual foreplay, lack of inhibitions... something.  If the audience doesn't want to bone her, you've failed in the storytelling.  

10) Last but not least, give us a twist ending.  Something unexpected should happen, the start of a new story that leads into the next movie.  If any movie requires a universe-hopping, Twilight Zone, Rod Serling, Planet of the Apes ironic bazinga before the credits roll, it's Stargate.  

And if I had to pick one more... why would you hire French Stewart and give him the role of "grunt with a bit of an attitude problem" rather than something comedic?  Mind-blowing! 

Ok, that's my list of 10 things that the original desperately needed to become a blockbuster.  As it is, Stargate barely passes as a lukewarm cult classic due to all the glaring flaws I've just shown you.  And if anyone in Hollywood stumbles on this list and likes what they see, hire me as a consultant.  I'm worth it.

Thanks,

VS

p.s. Not only do I have 3 new print-on-demand softcovers available on Amazon (The Cha'alt Experience, Advanced Game Mastering Like A Fucking Boss, and Advanced Crimson Dragon Slayer), but I sell the Cha'alt hardcover trilogy of books direct.  Attend VENGER CON IV: Post-Modern Apocalypse get your badge!  And of course, sign-up for the Kort'thalis Publishing mailing list so you know what monthly specials, deals, announcements, and cool stuff is happening in the skinematic Vengerverse!!!