Mysterious Qada'ath [CHA'ALT campaign, session 9]

 

Never before in the anals of history (and if you haven't taken anal history with Ms. Tush, I highly recommend it) has there ever been a shot like the one that blasted the Ark of the Covenant into... well, let's just roll the tape so you can see for yourself.

We begin with three players, and their characters were Drogon the human/banana sorcerer, Nix the demon/clown/banana thief (we discussed Nix's look before getting underway - big long yellow banana nose that squeaks when squeezed, bright Bozo-red hair and goatee, white face paint, and plaid pants), and Juan Tifrifo the crystalline/banana warrior.  Yes, at the end of last session, they had just been turned into banana-men after Juan removed a neon banana sign from the cave wall.

Behind the neon banana sign was an 18-inch crack running vertically in the cave wall.  Peaking in, they could see a cave aglow with large colorful crystals and in the center was a golden pylon.  Immediately, Juan used his blaster to make a bigger entrance and then they entered to look around.  The pylon didn't have its familiar pyramidal key above the currently non-existent door, but they had Nix and Nix had his trusty crystal-rimmed jaccard.

Rolling a natural 20, Nix opened the door before his crystal-rimmed jaccard even touched the locking mechanism.  It opened into blackness, so Drogon asked Ta'anzo (his spider familiar) if he would check it out... and he did.  It was safe for his master and his master's companions.  

Stepping into the black void interior of the gold pylon, the PCs brushed up against a beaded curtain and saw shag carpeting, black lights, velvet paintings, banana-shaped lava lamp, mood music playing in the background (most likely Fuchsia Floyd), an end-table displaying pet rocks next to an elaborate glass bong, coffee table containing an open book, and paisley couch.

Juan Tufrifo shaved some of the shag carpeting and sliced the banana lava lamp in two.  Nix ripped a bong-hit that was pre-filled with a chartreuse powder.  Drogon took a look at the book on the table - it was a magical tome instructing sorcerers in the use of a special kind of glyph... slut glyphs!  With the help of this book, a sorcerer could learn how to create, energize, and stimulate a sexually suggestive magical symbol onto a woman's lower back, the most powerful slut glyphs are capable of sexually enslaving their nubile vessels. 

Before leaving, Drogon decided to cast detect magic to see if there was anything else they should be paying attention to.  With his sorcerous eyes, Drogon sensed something under the couch.  The crystalline-banana warrior sliced the couch in two as his companion gazed at what was hidden underneath - a poster (although, now I'm picturing it as more of an oversized scroll than something I would have hung on my wall as a teenager) of a banana.  The closer they examined it, the more obvious that the banana was a sticker that could be peeled away to reveal... a flesh-colored tentacle.  The tentacle was puffy and squishy and slimy.

Since it was magical, they rolled it up and took it with them.  Upon exiting, they came across a dozen pig-faced orcs who were taking the clown-gangbang woman to their lair (since the PCs had focused on the pylon and a little on the crystals, they completely neglected a small tunnel at the back of the cave leading to the orc lair.  

The woman was unconscious, and the PCs were probably going to let the orcs go so they could put the woman in their giant stew-pot and eat her in peace.  But then the two other freed prisoners appeared and the orcs threw metal collars and chains on them so they could also be eventually eaten.  The human slaves pleaded with the adventurers to be saved (again), so the trio of anti-heroes complied.  Mostly because Juan got bored and fired his blaster several times down the tunnel as some of the orcs had already started walking back home.

After taking significant damage, the PCs had slaughtered the remaining orcs.  Drogon's player missed by 1 during combat, and I reminded him of the new optional rule in Advanced Crimson Dragon Slayer.  He performed the tentacle "ritual" and got his +1.

They decided to rest off their wounds in the pylon (Nix discovered a way to lock it from the inside without the key).  Meanwhile, the adventurers discovered that the woman, Samantha, had a slut glyph tramp-stamp on her lower back (that read "open for business"), so they asked her about it.  She confirmed their suspicion - the sorcerer who lived here in this pylon had manifested the slut glyph on her body.  He was on some kind of shamanic-walkabout and would eventually return.

Samantha, in true Heavy Metal movie style, asked if there was anything she could do to repay the adventurers for saving her.  One or more of the party was interested, but opted to wait until after their rest so they could utilize the sleaze-factor 5 bonus more effectively.  However, Samantha had some jellybeans (wild blackberry) secreted in her love-pocket.  She gave them to Nix as a way of saying thanks.

3 hours of rest and relaxation later, the glyph guru came back, looking like PeeWee Herman in tan robes and a cookie crisp pointy wizard's hat and matching wand with a cookie that's had a bite taken out on the end (not sure what Midjourney was thinking, but this is the best of 8).  He restored the PCs to their non-banana state - "Expiritu returnum sancti!"  Nix had a choice of remaining a night-clown along with his demon heritage or to have that reversed, as well.  Nix preferred to stay both clown and demon.  

The PCs got their remaining HP back, as well, and then left to let the glyph guru and Samantha do what they want in the pylon.  Those shrimp cocktail jellybeans would go well with the tuna wormhole he was about to devour. 

Leaving the subterranean ex-zoo dungeon (with the photon torpedo), the PCs found Johnny Transport sleeping in the driver's seat.  They got in and drove towards the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice.  On the way, they were fired upon by a Federation hover-tank.  Drogon's missile command intercepted the missile that almost blew them up.  Johnny Transport ejected to safety, leaving them without a driver - but one of the NPCs jumped to the wheel and made sure the transport was stable (the photon torpedo had been ensconced with blankets in the trunk).  

They couldn't outrun the hover-tank and decided to make a last stand, parking it sideways and using it for cover.  The hover-tank shot several holes into it before a half-dozen Federation soldiers got out to charge them.  A few laser blasts and a crit later, the soldiers were dead, but there was still one in the hover-tank as it fired on the converging red-shirt NPC who was running up there with a laser-sword as Ta'anzo scuttled his way up onto the hover-tank and into the cockpit.  At this point, the SLEAZE Cha'alt X-Card was stimulated.

Calling upon his master's sorcerous vitality (costing Drogon 1 hit-point), the spider jacked all over the console which released and temporarily solidified the massive amounts of porn stored in the hover-tank's computer.  Suddenly, there were tentacled whores everywhere.  The pilot was distracted enough for Ta'anzo to pick up his blaster and shoot him in the back. 

Taking the photon torpedo with them, the PCs drove the hover-tank to the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice.  On the way, they saw that guy with the purple-stained hand hitchhiking so the NPC driver (who hadn't been vaporized into a pink mist) pulled over to pick him up.  The dude's name was Zacharia, and he admitted to being a part of the prophecy.

BTW, the PCs realized they could take one of their fist-sized ka'alaxian crystals, break it in half and replace the crystal power source for their laser-swords with that.  It super-charged their laser-swords from 3d6 to 3d8.  

Approaching the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice, the PCs saw Gonzo and his entourage on one side and the 111 humanoid sacrifices on the other, being detained by several Federation soldiers.  Nix's player stimulated the POST-APOCALYPSE card as, I believe, Drogon's player stimulated the SCIENCE-FANTASY Cha'alt X-Card - double stimulation!! - and together we decided that this whole area was full of massive bones - sandworm skeletal remains and those of alien dinosaurs... making it a natural sandworm hangout.  That, combined with the Ark of the Covenant's power, was drawing sandworms to the area.

Now, the PCs knew that Gonzo most likely couldn't be harmed because of the Old Ones' protection (since Gonzo possessed the holiest of holy weapons or X'queeu residing inside the Ark).  Also, Zacharia told them that even if they used the photon torpedo to destroy the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice, its remnants might still be usable to fulfill the prophecy.

Before getting out to speak with the apocalyptic priests who had gathered on the Crimson Rock outskirts, Zacharia gave the PCs a purple powder to snort.  They did and it took their consciousness on a trip to the Purple Labyrinth.  There, the PCs wandered purple corridors until they happened upon a purple chamber containing Gonzo, his entourage, and the Ark... but out of phase with consensual reality.

Drogon consulted the slut glyph book and attempted to trace a glyph on Gonzo's lower back that would attract sandworms.  He rolled well, the slut glyph was created and stimulated.  Then, the adventurers returned to "reality."  In order to complete their disruption of the ceremony, they drove up the side of the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice.  Juan Tufrifo took the laser cannon controls in his crystal hand, quieted his mind, focused his energy, used the force, aimed at the Ark, and squeezed a shot off.

This was an important roll.  He picked up the d20 and rolled... a 5.  There was talk of spending a point of Divine Favor or using Fuchsia Burn, but Juan's player decided to use one of his lavender demon-moon dice of destiny, and, inexplicably, a gilded die of Satanis (referred to by Nix's player as "the humiliation die").  Both d6s came up 6!!!

So, that's a critical success on the lavender moon die and critical success on the gilded die.  One of the things I like about the come-up-with-stuff-on-the-fly systems we have in place is that it forces me to spontaneously create in that reality based solely on prompts and occasional player suggestions - this is the PSYCHOCOSM your mother never warned you about during the Satanic panic.  After a few seconds of contemplation, I decided that the Ark of the Covenant was blasted off the Crimson Rock of Sacrifice and into the mouth of a sandworm - as several had now converged on their location, all the more urgently due to Gonzo's slut glyph tramp-stamp.

But what's the humiliation of Juan Tufrifo?  Moments after swallowing the Ark, the sandworm pooped it out - and for God only knows what reason, the turd looked exactly like the crystalline warrior himself.  The PCs decided to scoop up the poop-encased Ark of the Covenant with plans to let it petrify until it was needed in the future.

The session ended about 30 minutes early as we were all emotionally spent after that dramatic climax and there was no way of topping it.  

Now that this arc (no pun intended) is complete, time to start thinking about what's next for the campaign.  Good stopping point because we won't reconvene for 3 weeks as I have my eldest daughter's birthday party next weekend and GaryCon the weekend after.

A lot of great quotes were heard around the table...

• "You get that familiar tingling sensation."
• "I love the idea of slut glyphs, that's such a great concept.  It's even fun to say... slut glyph!"
• "Banana glyphs?  Ok, let me research that."
• "Do we still have our original... equipment down there?"  To which I responded, "You don't have banana junk perse, but it has taken on a banana-like influence."
• "Instead of tea-totaler, what about the phrase zoth-totaler?  Too old-timey?"
• "Sandworm poop smells like cinnamon."
• "Marsupial spider-satchel."
• "I'm like an avenging clown angel of chaos."
• "Banana shadows."
• "Samantha, you're in for a treat!"
• "Federation soldiers are like the stormtroopers of Cha'alt."
• "Nix, surely a master-thief," to which he responded, "I am a master-thief, but don't call me Shirley."
• "Remember to gently peel back your banana-skirt, you don't want to bruise."
• "Coochie jellybeans."
• "When it comes to prophecies, it's not so much the letter of the law as the spirit."
• "Your moon dice moment is a verse from the song of your own life."
• "I got my +5 [sleaze factor bonus].  See you later, THOT!"
• "Yeah, we'll just call him Johnny Transport.  That's good enough."

Ok, I'll blog again between now and our next session - Saturday, March 30th - but the next stop on the Cha'alt train is Gary Con!  Looking forward to it.

VS

p.s. Want your own hardcover Cha'alt trilogy?  Order it here, and thank you for supporting independent RPG creators... rather than woke corporations that don't give a damn about the hobby.  I'll keep reminding you guys, VENGER CON III this July in Madison, WI.  Come game with us!